Why We Write

Some days--well, most days--we write the blog to share good news.  Some days we write because we think we have something to share--a reflection on being parents, or finding peace and balance with babies in the NICU.  And some days, we write because it's important for us to step back.  For me, today falls into that last category.  I got dangerously close to feeling sorry for myself today, which is useless to everyone.  It's no help to my beautiful babies, who are working so hard to grow big and strong so they can home.  It's no help to my husband, who is already an amazing dad, making me smile as he sings to Lucas and Olivia or plays airplane as he goes in for a diaper change, and an amazing husband who stays up late and gets up early to clean my pump parts and is the most incredible model of strength and calm in the face of adversity I could ever imagine.  And it's no help to the wonderful doctors and nurses who are working long hours and providing gentle, thoughtful care to make sure that Lucas and Olivia graduate from the NICU as strong and healthy as possible.

So what happened?  I got tired.  And maybe a little impatient.  That's it.  The babies were beautiful and strong today, continuing to make slow but steady progress.  They're both gaining weight, and Olivia is 3 lbs 1 oz!  We're probably no more than 2 or 3 days away from her coming off the cpap and getting to look at us with her big beautiful eyes, just like her brother.  Her feeds got increased to 27 mL every three hours, and she's tolerating them well.  She snuggled with Mom and Dad twice today with no events.  All good stuff.  And Lucas continues to be rock star as well.  He gained weight and tomorrow will probably get his feeds increased to 30 mL--a full ounce each feeding.  He is starting to get the hang of breastfeeding, and though he's still not allowed much milk, it's pretty awesome to put him in my arms and see his mouth open in search of the breast.   He also successful took another bottle overnight.  He even tolerated having his incubator down at room air for most of the day.  And then when his temp got a little low, he warmed right up again by nursing and snuggling with Mom.

When you look at all those small victories, it's pretty hard to complain.  Sure I wish that the babies had been able to continue growing inside me for a few more weeks.  But as Dad pointed out the other day, if they had, I wouldn't have had the pleasure of these past 5 weeks getting to know my children--getting to snuggle with them, feed them, and start to see their personalities revealed.  I wouldn't have experienced the dozens of kindnesses bestowed upon us from the start of this experience--dinners dropped off, laundry done during our hospital stay, showers shared, care packages sent, dozens of encouraging emails and phone calls, trips made by family from Boston and California just to lend a hand.  I wouldn't have met a whole bunch of amazing doctors and nurses whose sole goal is to help my children get strong and healthy.  I wouldn't have had a sushi chef at Georgetown talk with us about our babies and confidently say that they will be strong and healthy and then carve us a beautiful apple dessert as a gift.  Yes, there are times when I'd trade all of that to still be pregnant.  But this is the world I'm living in, and even with all its challenges, each day contains so much that is wonderful.

So tonight, thank you for reading the blog, because writing it helped me to get some perspective.  Yes, I'm still tired.  But I can get some sleep, and if I'm still tired tomorrow, I can take a nap.  And in the morning, I can go to the hospital and put my babies in my arms and know that the middle of the night breast pump is helping them to grow :)

ps - We've got some nice photos of Lucas too, but they're on Dad's camera and he's out helping a friend celebrate her 30th birthday, so there may be a pictographic addendum later tonight or we'll put up an extra large batch tomorrow.