Papa Bear

I had my first dad moment today.  I believe Marni had her first mom moment back in the beginning of February, so I guess what they say in the nicu is correct and that girls do develop faster than boys.

I know I've already had plenty of dad moments, like changing their diapers, figuring out which insurance company will provide the best coverage for their stay in the nicu, and going to work everyday.  Today was a little different.

(Sidebar:  The kids are both doing great.  They both lost weight today, but that is good because it was mostly much needed fluid loss from their lungs.  There was talk at rounds of weaning them both in the coming days from their respective breathing levels.  Lucas was a rockstar at nursing.  And they were both generally comfortable when we held them.)

To those who know me, it's fairly obvious that I am an even-tempered guy.  I believe in treating everyone with respect, whether they are the attending doctor or the person who cleans the floors.  But I also believe that others should afford me, and now my children, the same respect.  I also always see the good in people.  Some might say I sometimes trust people to a fault.  See, e.g., the used car salesman from whom I bought my first car.  And, I sometimes don't speak up when I want something because I am so concerned about the comfort of others.  Well, not today.

At the risk of writing too much, the short version is that I was very unhappy with the level of care the kids received over the last few nights.  Yesterday, Olivia kind of smelled, and her incubator had dried milk all over it.  There had clearly been an accident the night before and neither the incubator, nor my daughter, had been cleaned up.  Today, when I arrived, the night nurse had left Olivia on 43% oxygen.  She has not required above 30% in a month (21% is the target level of room air and they try to keep oxygen levels low to protect long-term development).  Olivia also still smelled, having gone a second day without a bath after her mess.  I could go on but I won't (in fact, I almost just deleted the whole paragraph).  

I was pretty mad.  If it were only about me, I might have just walked away.  In fact, I let it slide when the same nurse from the last three nights did a couple questionable things a couple weeks ago and generally treated us with what felt like a fair amount of contempt.  Not today.

I understand that the nicu is a charged environment and that all the doctors and nurses operate under heavy stress, but I decided my kids were not going to endure another night without their dad trying to do something about it.  I cancelled an appointment and stayed at the hospital through rounds, waiting for the doctors to finish so I could voice our complaints in private with one of the senior doctors.  While I waited, I sat next the incubators, alone for several minutes in the nicu, and said some prayers for guidance and for the night nurse.  After a while, we got a chance to sit down with one of the doctors.  I voiced all of my concerns, and Marni hers, and we received some helpful feedback from the doctor.  Though nursing assignments are really difficult to control, the doctor said she would talk to the charge nurse and see what can be done.

This feels weird to write now.  I guess it still feels rather raw, and I wonder how blog-appropriate.  I guess we'll call this one of the more real entries.  Like so much that goes on in this final waiting stage of our nicu visit, there doesn't feel like much of a resolution.  I guess we do know that tonight the kids should be taken care of by one of the better nurses.

I'm searching for some happy pick-me-up to finish this entry, which I always seem to find, but for some reason eludes me now.  I guess some days, though rare, dad needs to be serious.